Unfortunately, leaving a toxic spouse is a high-stakes chess game.

Once you show your cards, you can’t go back (to use another game analogy). In this case, once you separate, it’s game on.

If you are planning to separate and expect it will not be a smooth process, here are three tips to consider.

1. Litigation starts from day one.

Imagine: You’ve finally worked up the courage to make the move to separate from your spouse. You are probably feeling a range of emotions, from relief, to exhilaration, to terror, overwhelm, and self-doubt.

Hopefully you’ve arrived here prior to making this decision. You will be going into it with some tips to help set yourself up for success. Tips that you wouldn’t otherwise know if this is your first time stepping onto the legal battlefield.

So. In this upcoming scenario, you have finally done it. You’ve chosen to prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health and you’ve just separated from your toxic spouse.

Although this first step took an immense amount of strength and you deserve to be proud of yourself, this is not the time to relax.

The legal process of divorcing begins from the date of separation, which will be used in later documentation.

This means that you should know this date and act accordingly.

2. Be intentional about what you do and don’t do.

Adding to the previous point, litigation and separation start at the same time (even if you don’t hire a lawyer on day one or file any paperwork). Know the date you separated, because there will be a BEFORE separation and AFTER separation, when it comes you to and your ex-spouse’s actions.

Most things need to be kept to the status quo.

In law, status quo means “the situation existing immediately prior to the dispute.”

Certain actions may only impact you if you have already separated, like taking on more/new debt, but consult with a family law attorney before making any big decisions or changes.

If you own property, that is a joint asset. Everything you own together or purchased while cohabitating is considered joint property. Do NOT decide to get a headstart and start selling high value items to set yourself up for financial stability, as tempting as that may be.

3. Keep your side of the street clean.

A high-conflict person is going to make things difficult and messy no matter what you do. Your job is to keep your side of the litigation clean.

While this is often a long game approach, eventually it pays off to be reasonable and fair (usually). I say usually because predicting what a judge will rule is nearly impossible, even when it seems perfectly obvious what the logical decision should be. Judges have human biases that play a role, and that is an unfortunate fact to be aware of.

Regardless, what you can control is how you handle your side of the situation.

If you have kids, do not involve them in your conflict. Don’t do or say anything that you would not want to be submitted in a court document.

So what CAN I do?

Start interviewing family law attorneys near you and get representation.

You can bet that your ex will not waste any time seeking counsel and planning out his or her strategy to take you down.

If you can get a head start, do so.

Going through a divorce with a toxic and high-conflict individual will inevitably be stressful. Some of the best steps you can take are educating yourself on what and what not to do and finding a family law attorney to advise you and take some of the burden off you.

This is just the beginning, but you will come out stronger on the other side.

Rooting for you from afar,

~Dani