The word divorce typically conjures up emotions like resentment, betrayal, failure, and regret. Grief doesn’t normally make the list.

It’s not often that grief and divorce are mentioned in the same sentence.

Consider separations that aren’t mutual:

The spouse that didn’t want out is usually left with feelings resembling pain or anger. Feelings that aren’t usually identified as grief.

The partner that initiated the split is usually relieved to some degree, even if they had given it their all to try to make things work. Again, grief is not the first description to come up.

Grief is what people experience after losing a loved one, right?

Grieving is more often associated with death than with the very common experience of divorce or restarting after a long-term relationship falls apart.

For many, divorce is actually seen as the SOLUTION to grief rather than the CAUSE of it.

In reality, the process of divorcing or ending a serious relationship can involve grief.

Oversimplifying divorce as just a parting of ways can hinder a person’s ability to process the loss and move forward. Because it can come as a surprise, grief after divorce can be hard to understand, let alone accept and work through. Even when the break was mutual, there can be an aftermath of emotions to deal with.

Online resources are quick to refer to the emotional stages of grief that follow losses like divorce or the death of a loved one.

Most of us are familiar with them; they include steps like denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. Depending on the source you use, there are between 5 and 7 stages typically discussed. These can be great tools for identifying emotions and recognizing that they are normal, but relying solely on this form of emotional processing leaves out some big components.

Even the author of this model of grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, later admitted that this conceptualization was never meant to be posited as a linear timeline of stages for correctly experiencing emotions of grief and loss.

There are many types of grief stemming from a divorce that can be trickier to identify and process, let alone fit into specific boxes like “denial” or “bargaining.”

For example:

It’s possible to be 100% sure about your decision to leave an unhealthy situation and still experience feelings of guilt, confusion, and not having it all together.

It’s possible to feel sad, even though you don’t miss your spouse or want them back. Grief can manifest in many ways that are not necessarily a reflection of losing a specific person. Rather, it’s about losing the parts of yourself or your life that are changing suddenly.

Some Takeaways:

1. Grief can exist along with anger and resentment.

2. Ending a serious relationship can involve grief, even when you wanted the relationship to end.

3. Acknowledging the painful emotions associated with grieving can help you move forward in a way that honors your full experience.

4. Grieving can be about YOU, not your ex-partner.

Interested in the types of grief you may experience after an important relationship ends?

Take a look at my post- 5 Ways Grief can Arise After a Divorce or end of a Relationship

Grief and grieving is an experience that is personal to you.

I hope these posts are a helpful start for honoring your needs through these difficult life transitions.

~Dani