Whether it’s a dissolution of a marriage or the ending of a committed relationship, grief is bound to play a part in the recovery process.

Unsure of exactly how to understand the concept of grief? You’re not alone. Many people feel uncomfortable using the word, as it can convey an element of weakness or inability to move forward. Neither of these is the case.

The CDC describes grief as “a normal response to loss during or after a disaster or other traumatic event.”

A normal response.

Was your relationship a bit of a disaster? A series of traumatic events, perhaps? At the very least, you can probably agree that the termination of your marriage or partnership was, or is, quite stressful.

You likely wouldn’t be here otherwise.

Everyone experiences loss and grief in their own way, but here are five possible types of grieving that might be relevant for you.

1. Grief for the loss of time

This type of loss is so broad that it can mean different things to different people.

When you’re married, you make decisions that are best for your marriage and family unit. In that context, it’s healthy to invest time in what’s important to you. But by doing so, individual priorities or goals can get put on hold. This isn’t necessarily a problem until your life plan changes.

Divorce brings with it the overwhelming realization of where you are as an individual. By making decisions with others in mind previously, you may not be happy with where you are now, on your own. 

Maybe you put your career on hold to have kids and be a homemaker. You had different priorities and probably felt good about those choices at the time. Now, you are starting over. It’s easy to feel like you have gone backward or lost time. You might feel like you are back where you started, before kids. Only now, you have to put your life back together while taking care of them, not just yourself.

2. Grief for the loss of future

Marriage cultivates hopes and dreams, and divorce puts them on hold majorly and indefinitely. For those who divorce after a shorter amount of time, the loss brings different challenges than when the split was decades in the making.

Divorcing at a younger age is just one scenario, but it can make grieving harder in many ways. Starting all over after hitting a major milestone that you thought you’d checked off can be incredibly disorienting. Not only that, it can be harder to admit grief over something that was just getting started. In comparison to long-term marriages that end, separating after only a few years may seem relatively inconsequential, yet, you are losing the future you had planned.

“In many ways, divorcing while young is less about grieving the ended relationship than it is about grieving the loss of your future.” Jackie Bryant

3. Grief for your children

When kids are involved in a divorce, there is a lot more at stake. There are a multitude of emotions and fears that come up relating to your kids and the implications of divorce. Here are a few common ones: 

1. Guilt over splitting up the family. 
2. Fears about losing time with your children. 
3. Concerns about the negative influence of your ex. 
4. Fear of losing parental influence. 
5. Faith-based internal conflict

Most people worry more about their kids than themselves when they are planning for or going through a divorce. This type of grief may actually be the easiest to recognize.

It’s heartbreaking for a parent to think about losing time with their kids, let alone giving that time up by choice. Making the decision to leave a bad situation is not easy when you have children. You may be escaping an unfulfilling or even abusive marriage, but there are losses that go with it.

Time and options are two of the biggest losses. If you were a stay-at-home parent previously, you likely won’t have that luxury on a single income. The impacts of divorce on raising kids are life-changing and ongoing. Regardless of who initiated parting ways, feelings of loss and grief relating to the children can be the most difficult to cope with.

4. Grief for the person you thought you were

While some people thrive with the new control they have over their life after divorce, many struggle with their identity. Spending any amount of time investing in your marriage has shaped your sense of self. The identity of a “spouse” or “partner” easily becomes a main part of the self that you carry with you every day.

This sense of self can be described as your GPS. When you are married, choices are made through the filter of a joint decision, taking the other person into consideration. Divorce throws your previous decision-making process out the window, as well as the context for making decisions. It’s just you, and it can be tricky to know who you are without your prior identity.

5. Grief for the loss of stability and control

The impact of losing stability can’t be understated. This is one of the reasons so many people wait much longer to leave than they really want to. They’re afraid of not being financially secure, or emotionally able to cope, or being lonely, to name a few. Security is a safety blanket we all cling to, to some degree.

Certified Divorce Coach, Martha Bodyfelt, describes it this way:

Sound familiar?

While you may not have been happy prior to divorcing, losing your sense of ownership of your life can take a different emotional toll.

So, Now What?

Start to recognize that you are grieving, even when it seems to make the LEAST sense.

This is crucial to processing where you’re at and moving forward in a healthy and more helpful way. Part of the reason the grieving process can take so long is that society paints the picture that it doesn’t or shouldn’t exist.

Even well-meaning family members and friends can actually hinder the grieving process. By attempting to help with wise words, comments can inadvertently imply that we should have seen it coming. You’ve heard the phrase, “I’m amazed it lasted as long as it did,” and the pep talks that suggest we shouldn’t feel a loss because we’re “better off.” 

These don’t really help anyone. They belittle the feelings of loss and grief, making it even harder to safely identify them and ask for help.

French theologian Jacques Benigne Bossuet accurately explains the issue with this insightful quote:

 “The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak.”

–Jacques Benigne Bossuet

Pretending to be fine and to have it all together might seem like the best way to cope, but it won’t help you move past the inevitable grieving that needs to happen. It doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t mean you have regrets. Conversely, it’s a sign of loving yourself and giving yourself the respect you deserve to process a big life change.

The truth is, “Divorce represents the death of a marriage and all the hopes and dreams that went into it. And the death of a marriage, like any death, requires a grieving process for healing.” — Up to Parents

Give yourself the space to recognize what form grieving might take for you, and allow yourself to be human.

You’ve got this.

~Dani