In the world of mental health, Drs. John and Julie Gottman are a power couple.

A married couple themselves, John and Julie Gottman are renowned for their extensive research in the field of couple therapy, which has shown incredible reliability in predicting marital stability and divorce. I look forward to using many of the Gottman’s relationship principles in my work as a licensed marriage and family therapist.

I am a big believer in the Gottman’s approach to creating a healthy and lasting partnership. These principles are so intuitive that they seem simple but have a truly profound impact on the strength of an intimate relationship.

The following seven steps to building a successful couple relationship are taken directly from the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory.

1. Build Love Maps.

The Gottman’s use terminology that is unique and therefore easy to associate with them. (In a future post, I will cover the Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”- stay tuned)

Building “Love Maps” is one of the staple components of the Gottman’s method for lasting relationships.

Love maps are the way we understand our partner- their hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, stresses, joys, and what makes them tick in ways unique to them. Without understanding your partner’s inner world, you can’t truly know them intimately.

Knowing your partner’s inner world in detail prepares you to better handle conflict and difficulty together, along with fully sharing in the joys and victories.

How do I do this?

• Practice asking open-ended questions! –> These are questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. They give your partner the space to respond in any way they would like, and you will learn more by giving them the chance to elaborate on what is important to them.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration.

This one also seems simple, but it is often not prioritized.

It can be easy to assume after a while that your partner knows what you love and appreciate about them and that they don’t need to hear it anymore.

Big mistake.

Neglecting these things will eventually start to have an impact on your connection. Regularly letting your other half know what you admire and notice about them will keep the intimacy high. These can be big or little things. The most important thing is to vocalize them.

This type of positive communication helps keep the fondness and affection for one another going strong.

How do I do this?

• Give your partner sincere compliments when you notice something you love or admire about them.

3. Turn Towards Instead of Away.

This one is so detrimental to relationships when ignored.

Turning towards your partner instead of away means that you receive their attempts to connect with you emotionally and reciprocate.

These attempts for connection can be verbal or nonverbal. Acknowledging this act of vulnerability leads to a deeper connection, while ignoring or rejecting our partner in these moments leads to frustration, criticism, and a lack of emotional safety.

According to the Gottman’s, one of the biggest predictors of a relationship’s success is the partner’s ability to continually turn toward one another instead of away.

How do I do this?

• Watch for your partners’ verbal and non-verbal efforts to connect with you
• Continually turn toward your partner to ask for and maintain connection
• Make eye contact and engage with your partner when they initiate a conversation

4. Maintain a Positive Perspective.

Maintaining a positive perspective in a relationship means you give your partner the benefit of the doubt and see them as your teammate.

Holding these fundamental beliefs about one another creates a strong union and sets you up to face challenges more easily.

This positive perspective is also important to utilize when repairing the relationship after conflict.

How do I do this?

• Accept your partner’s influence when discussing problems and solutions
• Practice steps 2 and 3 frequently to create an overall sense of positivity toward your partner

5. Effectively Manage Conflict.

According to the Gottman’s, managing conflict is different than resolving conflict.

Not all types of conflict will be resolved 100% and will take repeated conversations over time. Further, the common view of resolving conflict often means that one person is more right than the other, and there is the accompanying assumption or expectation that the same issue will never be brought up again.

Alternatively, managing conflict well can lead to a greater understanding of your partner and a deeper connection.

This involves putting away the need to be right or avoiding conflict altogether and seeking to understand and grow instead.

How do I do this?

• Accept your partner’s insight and input and take their thoughts and feelings into account.
• Dialogue about all types of issues that arise, whether they are isolated incidents or recurring problems
• Take a step away if needed to practice self-soothing and then rejoin the conversation calmly

6. Make Life Dreams Come True.

Create and nurture an atmosphere where you and your partner feel safe to talk about your dreams, values, and aspirations openly.

Do you know who your partner envisions themself becoming in the future?

Do you have shared goals that you are working on together?

Making life dreams come true means that you desire the best possible life for your partner and are willing to support them in reaching their goals.

How do I do this?

• Discuss goals and dreams with no judgment
• Find ways to support your partner that are meaningful to them

7. Create Shared Meaning.

This one builds upon the previous step of knowing what is important to your partner.

Creating shared meaning is done through the rituals you share and your rich inner life together.

What are your daily, weekly, or yearly rituals?

Shared meaning is developed through the unique narratives, visions, habits, metaphors, and symbols that serve as ways to continually connect with your partner.

How do I do this?

• Prioritize and honor shared rituals
• Make adjustments to rituals throughout the course of your relationship as needed, to reflect the ways you currently connect and create shared meaning

Trust and Commitment.

To top it off, trust and commitment are deemed the pillars, or the weight-bearing walls, of a successful partnership, following the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House approach.

These essentials should also go without saying but are not always a given in couple relationships.

None of the previous components hold together without trust and commitment.

Each time you turn toward your partner or choose them in some way, you strengthen these bonds of trust and commitment.

Which of these 7 steps surprised you most? In which areas are you and your partner crushing it at couple goals?

I hope this overview of the Gottman’s Sound Relationship House method is helpful as you navigate both new and long-term partnerships.

More on relationships to come!

~Dani